I’m married!!! Barf!
So one month and four days ago I got married, and as you can see from my face in this photo taken immediately after the ceremony, it was AWESOME! While all the blogs and books and magazines I read prepared me for every nightmare wedding disaster scenario possible, nothing prepared me for how absolutely joyful the whole day would be.
A few people have asked me if I will continue to write Wedding Barf now that I’m married. Well, I can’t bear to read anymore wedding blogs or buy any more Brides magazines just this second but I have a feeling that this is not the end of Wedding Barf just yet…
So yes, Wedding Barf will go on! In some form or another! More to come soon…
Whaaaaat? First of all, why do uncles always get such a bad rap? As an aunt, I feel just as likely to make a scene as any male counterpart. More to the point, I’m supposed to “assign a relative to shadow” anybody at my wedding that might say something off-color during dinner? Oh boy. I don’t have enough cousins to handle those kind of numbers. And what exactly is this “shadowy relative” supposed to do when the conversation turns offensive? Start coughing super loud or shout “Look at this weird bread”?
These “helpful tips” (this one was seen on Aisle Dash) that supposedly make wedding planning easier, are actually great at inciting panic over millions of “what if” scenarios. Besides, so what if I have an Uncle who says something offensive at dinner? His table mates will roll their eyes and change the conversation topic like people have been doing for centuries.
there. are. no. words. for. this. commercial.
Lucky indeed! Silly me, I thought I was lucky enough to be marrying the love of my life but the real serendipity happened when I found out about the bridal themed Juice Cleanse that’s available to me now that he put a ring on it.
The message on the front page of the BPC Bridal Cleanse website is clear: “Photos are Forever”. It might as well say, “The way you look now is NOT OKAY”. The solution they present is to purchase their juices which cost around $65 per day. Yup. SIXTY FIVE DOLLARS a day so you can drink juice instead of eating food. And as you can see on the board game like map they designed, these juice sessions are designed to take you from engagement all the way to the honeymoon. Because when you’re planning a wedding and preparing to spend more money on a one day event than you could have ever imagined, something that really helps the situation out is replacing food with juice and losing $450 dollars a week.
And there’s more… BPC recommends that you involve your Mom, friends and even your groom by “getting them all on the juice”. If my friends, family and me all juice cleanse in the months leading up to my wedding there’s a good chance the reception hall will turn into a crime scene. Ladies be needin our food! In solid form! Or we gonna get crazy!
Hey, I’m sure the stuff is great, but let’s not make people feel inadequate with this “Photos are forever so you better buy a bunch of juice” nonsense.
“If you can, keep your body slightly turned — you’ll look slimmer than if you’re facing straight at the camera. The most ideal look is to tilt your shoulders toward the photographer with your hips on an angle, which makes your waist and hips look instantly narrower. Especially key for brides? Hold your arms slightly away from your body rather than pressing them against your sides. While it seems like a lot to keep track of, don’t forget that you can practice!”
Oh really? I can “practice” posing unnaturally for hours at a time? That might be the funnest part of wedding planning yet! I can just see myself walking through the aisles of the grocery store, body angled to one side, arms raised slightly, looking like a deformed swan while I reach for the Kashi Go Lean.
This article from The Knot illustrates one of my biggest issues with the whole wedding industry, the idea that on our wedding day, brides can’t look anything like we do normally. We have to be 10 pounds lighter, we have to wear 10 times more makeup, have 10 times more poise and be wearing 10 times more supportive undergarments than we would normally wear in our everyday lives in order to look like a bride. Guess what? I’m going to be wearing a long white dress and holding a bouquet. I THINK PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT OUT!
What is it about weddings that produces the need for so many signs? As a wedding guest these days, there is a good chance you will run into signs for the ceremony, the bathroom, the guestbook, the photobooth, the buffet, the cake and of course, the exit. Wedding website giant “The Knot” says: “Perfect for outdoor weddings, a rustic, handwritten wedding sign is a super-simple DIY project for even the least crafty bride.” More like D.I. Why do I have to make so many freaking signs? Right now I am in the thick of wedding planning and there are a ton of things on my to do list. I can’t imagine adding “craft 45 rustic handwritten signs” to the list.
But who knows? Maybe all these signs are necessary. There could be some hormone released during all the nuptial euphoria that prevents wedding guests from comprehending what objects are without seeing it spelled out on a large sign. If I don’t make a “Guestbook” sign, a confused relative could stand at the table for hours confused, bewildered, wondering “What is the book? This pen? Do I…write in the book? Can someone help? Give me a SIGN!”
-Every Wedding Vendor Ever
WHY??? Wedding people, why can’t you just put your prices on your website? How is a girl supposed to know if you are even in her ball park or not? Especially these days when the wedding design trends are “rustic” and “DIY inspired”. If the homepage for your catering company is a picture of a chalkboard with a list of drinks on it, that could mean either you are a small, reasonably priced mom and pop situation, OR an uber trendy, everything’s organic, you’re kidding yourself if you think you can afford this, $100 per person impossibility.
When I find a website for a local vendor, I have to go through the embarrassment of calling these places and them saying “Well what’s your budget?” and then upon me telling them a number, hearing the snickering on the other end of the line, the “Well we aren’t some sort of wedding factory,” the “Good luck with that in this town!” Hey wedding lady, you could have saved us both the trouble of that stupid convo if you would just put your stupid prices on your website!
So I guess their defense would be “Oh well that’s tacky” or “Every wedding is different” Well at least give me some sort of clue! A tiny hint at least that your prices are totally bonkers! Like, “Prices available upon request, but don’t bother calling if your family doesn’t own a yacht”, “We will create a custom package for you and by “custom” we mean around $20,000”, or “We will email you with pricing info- Wait, is your name Tricia McAlpin? Oh, this ain’t happenin.”
In these times of prevalent online deals for flights, for books, for shoes, for nearly everything under the sun, why do wedding vendors get to be so cryptic and mysterious about prices on their websites? How come it seems like they are competing to be the most expensive instead of the cheapest? Why can’t there be a Priceline negotiator for passed orderves?
No! No! No! No! Nooooo! Say it ain’t so Martha! Encouraging women to trick their boyfriends into proposing? Those who know me know I LOVE me some Martha Stewart but after this post on her wedding blog today I may have to cancel my beloved subscription to Everyday Food.
Modern day women, can we all agree to stop pressuring our boyfriends to drop thousands of dollars on diamond rings if they aren’t financially or emotionally ready to do so? Is this how you got him to kiss you for the first time? Emailing him links to your favorite smooching scenes from The Notebook with the subject line “Hint hint”? Do you dupe him into buying you roses by secretly subscribing him to the 1800 Flowers catalog? Nothing like pulling one over on the man you love and forcing him to show you that he loves you WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT DAMNIT!
Boo on you Martha Stewart Weddings for taking advantage of the non-engaged women lurking on your wedding website. At least steer them over to a fun craft project or a homemade pie crust. But for God’s sake, don’t encourage them to “accidentally” send pictures of engagement rings to their boyfriends! Gross!
Usually I make fun of wedding stuff on this blog, but Wu Tang weddings ain’t nuthin to fuck with.
First impressions are the most important, and typically those details are the last things your guests see as they leave. The escort card table and arrangement set the immediate tone of the celebration and starts to tell your story.
For instance… we created a life-size tree (12’ tall by 15’ wide) from which the escort cards were hung (alphabetically, of course). An attendant assisted guests in finding their seating assignment and snipped each ribbon with a pair of golden, bird-shaped scissors. Instantly, the guests had another thing to talk about.
Ahhh, nothing like a useful tip from a down-to-earth wedding expert like David Beahm. Especially about something as important as an escort card table, which apparently, the success of the whole wedding rests on.
For those who may not be familiar, escort cards are little pieces of paper that have each guest’s name and the table number he or she is sitting at written on them. Wedding blogs are always ooohing and ahhhing over cool new ways to display these little cards. Now, I have been to a few weddings and I’m sure you guys have also. Is the table with the cards on it really that big of a deal? Is your good time and memory of that couple’s big day really that influenced on the originality of some card table thing? Can a table really “set a mood” or “tell a story”? I’m pretty sure people do those things a lot better than inanimate objects.
But thanks again Mr. Beahm, for the totally useful wedding tip. Now I’m off to go find some golden bird shaped scissors…