August 2011
1 post
July 2011
1 post
March 2011
2 posts
“Your uncle is sure to say something offensive during your wedding and reception....”
– BARF!
Whaaaaat? First of all, why do uncles always get such a bad rap? As an aunt, I feel just as likely to make a scene as any male counterpart. More to the pont, I’m supposed to “assign a relative to shadow” anybody at my wedding that might say something off-color during dinner?...
February 2011
1 post
January 2011
2 posts
October 2010
3 posts
3 tags
“Please contact us for a price quote.”
– -Every Wedding Vendor Ever
BARF!
WHY??? Wedding people, why can’t you just put your prices on your website? How is a girl supposed to know if you are even in her ball park or not? Especially these days when the wedding design trends are “rustic” and “DIY...
4 tags
“I’m so excited to introduce our Wedding Jewelry center. It has engagement...”
– BARF!
No! No! No! No! Nooooo! Say it ain’t so Martha! Encouraging women to trick their boyfriends into proposing? Those who know me know I LOVE me some Martha Stewart but after this post on her wedding blog today I may have to cancel my beloved subscription to Everyday Food.
Modern day...
2 tags
RZA's wedding on Style Me Pretty →
Usually I make fun of wedding stuff on this blog, but Wu Tang weddings ain’t nuthin to fuck with.
September 2010
2 posts
“First impressions are the most important, and typically those details are the...”
– BARF!
Ahhh, nothing like a useful tip from a down-to-earth wedding expert like David Beahm. Especially about something as important as an escort card table, which apparently, the success of the whole wedding rests on.
For those who may not be familiar, escort cards are little pieces of paper that...
“Everything you do during this wedding-planning season gets immortalized. And...”
– BARF!
This is one blog’s advice to Mothers of the Bride. Kinda harsh, don’t ya think? “Never trust you again”? Fast forward to the birth of her first grandson: “Can I hold him dear?” “No. You chose a shitty cake for my wedding. Beat it Mom“ The...
August 2010
3 posts
“If you and your groom are not on the dance floor, don’t be surprised if...”
– BARF!
So, if me and my fiance don’t dance the whole time, our guests won’t either. Really? Now in addition to worrying about picking the right chairs, playing the right music and going to the bathroom, I’m going to be responsible for a room full of people who will be mirroring my...
July 2010
1 post
“Bridal Diapers: A New Trend?”
– BARF!
This is real people, this is not a joke. There is such a thing as a “bridal diaper” that women can wear under their wedding dress. Dresses have become so elaborate, so huge and clumsy, that it is impossible for a bride to go to the bathroom by herself, thus, the bridal diaper. ...
June 2010
3 posts
Hyperbole in Wedding Blogs
The interesting thing about wedding bloggers is they always seem to be discovering photographs of the MOST AMAZING weddings they HAVE EVER SEEN. So each day they have to find new flowery descriptions that will be even more flowery than the descriptions they used the day before when they described the wedding that made them want to SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE FACE RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT. It was too...
May 2010
6 posts
“So that health care coverage? While it counts as a non-taxable benefit for a...”
– BARF ON CALIFORNIA!
This quote comes from a post on one of my favorite local California wedding blogs “Ms. Awesome Weds” The author of this blog and I have similar taste in wedding fashion, food and photography. I closely followed her search for a reception site because she seems to...
“It is best to maintain a stable weight. Even a two-pound fluctuation can alter...”
–
BARF!
Wow I thought I had a handle on wedding basics by now but this is the first I am hearing about “The Eye”. If “the eye” notices your dress has been altered too many times, what else will it see? A stray eyelash? A chipped nail? A bothersome freckle? This...
“This is your fairy tale and you want everything to be perfect… but what in...”
– BARF!
This quote from Project Wedding highlights a very real danger for brides: Getting lost in your hairdo. Every spring, thousands of brides go missing on their wedding days. One minute, they’re cutting the cake and smiling for photos and then, just like that, they disappear. Kidnapped...
“Maintaining the “Wow!” Factor is important when planning an event that requires...”
–
BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This…is…insane. The tagline of the website that featured this insane-o wedding, Style Me Pretty, is “Bridal Inspirations”. In what way is this “real wedding” inspiring exactly? Oh yes, to clarify, this fete is part of their “Real...
“…don’t plan the events of your reception in front of an “exit” sign. ...”
–
BARF!
Come on, really? This quote comes from a photographer’s blog. You know what, if there is a freaking exit sign in the background of a photo or two, who the eff cares? I love when wedding professionals dole out these little snippets of advice with a tone of “come on you...
April 2010
11 posts
“Does this dress make you feel $3,000 prettier?”
– BARF!
So I was a little under the weather and spent the last two days barfing without the help of wedding blogs. But in my chicken soup and Gatorade induced haze I managed to get my wedding porn fix watching a “Say Yes to the Dress” mini-marathon on TLC. For those of you who...
“Who says weddings have to be high maintenance? Sara & Jason took the ferry...”
– BARF!
Why don’t more couple’s do that Brooklyn Bride? Oh I don’t know maybe because the bride is Irish and the groom is Filipino and they have enormous (and amazing) families they want to come to their wedding? Perhaps they are so “high maintenance” that they might...
A convo between Darcy Miller of MSW, "style guru"...
Darcy: What are your thoughts on the garter belt tradition?
Robert: I'm not a huge fan of it, really. Nobody can ever see what's going on, and the right guy never catches the garter. Plus, it's all about the legs. If you don't have GREAT legs, you should probably steer clear of this tradition.
Me: BARF! Hey guys, guess what? Some people like doing the throwing the garter belt thing because they think it's fun and their families have done it for years. Am I gonna do it at my wedding? Probably not. Am I gonna get all snotty and judgmental if some other lady wants to do it? Hell no! And I am definitely not going to judge her freaking legs while it's happening. Gross! Sorry Robert Verdi, but all women don't look like your celebrity client Eva Longoria. Hey Darcy, wanna get out of here and go get some milkshakes and plan my wedding for free? You do? Awesome. BTW what does Martha smell like? Am I being weird? I'm being weird aren't I...
“We encourage our couples to take it one room at a time, which can take multiple...”
– BARF!
I mean just look at that scanner, it must be so heavy. I need a nap just looking at it. And the mental stress of picking out things for people to buy for you? Wow. Hard to think about really. Choosing types of mixing bowls, discussing the merits of various knife sets and don’t...
“It’s hard to explain but you’ll just know when the dress is right....”
– BARF!
Drinking water when you are thirsty is instinctual. Running from a burning building because it is on fire is instinctual. Picking out a wedding dress is a SUBJECTIVE DECISION! I’m sick of being told over and over again that it is a primal experience, like there is some essential,...
“The pictures will tell the truth. Create a story. A perfect dress is one thing....”
– BARF!
Too much pressure! Too much pressure! I wear jeans and converse 7 out of 7 days a week and on my wedding day I’m supposed to transform into a “fairy-tale heroine”? These fashion guru people who make statements like these on wedding blogs seem to have no concept of the...
“If at all possible, create a lounge-like area in your reception space. Why?...”
– BARF!
Wow what a surprise, wedding giant The Knot suggesting a new “must have” that requires you to spend a bunch of money for no reason. So I have to rent couches for people to sit on after dinner to “promote conversation”? Because sitting around a table makes people clam...
“Your wedding gown is probably the most significant dress you’ll ever wear...”
–
So says the woman sitting in the velvet throne which your wedding dress purchase paid for…
BARF!
Vera is really putting a lot of pressure on an article of clothing you’ll wear for 5 hours if you ask me. My dress has to embody “my optimism for the future”? Yoinks! What...
March 2010
21 posts
“The mother/son, daddy/daughter dance… this one kills me. Look, if the...”
– BARF!
This quote comes from the lovely blogger, and clearly very considerate wedding guest, “The Groom With a View”. He’s really tellin’ it like it is, isn’t he? Hey man, guess what, you are at a wedding, not some magical open bar you happened to stumble upon! ...
“I suggest having your eyelashes professionally dyed prior to your honeymoon. A...”
–
BARF!
I mean whaaat? Not only am I supposed to wax my whole body, lose 15 lbs and learn how to walk in heels before the wedding but now I have to get my “eyelashes professionally dyed”??? I don’t even really know what that means! Do you have to dip your eyeballs in paint or...
“One of the fears I hear most frequently from brides-to-be is that they won’t be...”
– BARF!
Wow it seems like the author of this blog post almost wants to scare brides into thinking their wedding will be a failure if they don’t find the “perfect” processional song. Almost as if he might personally benefit in some way from their wedding-song related terror. But...
“Avoid using cliches. The following are lovely thoughts but not very original:...”
– BARF!
This is a quote from BRIDES magazine, advising brides-to-be on how to say I Do. So it seems now that even writing your vows, perhaps the most personal part of wedding planning, is being scrutinized under the critical eye of the wedding industry. Calling the man you are about to marry your...
“We all wanted to show brides that they can have a wonderful wedding with very...”
– BARF!
As someone currently in search of an inexpensive venue for a reception, this post on Ruffled bugged the hell out of me. “All you need is a field”? Really that’s all? Oh man it seems so obvious to me now! I guess after I find one of those fields then a dress, invitations,...
“I chose to make an impact with the seating…everybody does boring white...”
–
BARF!
Ahhh, the wedding industry’s obsession with chairs, something I’ve written about before. So when did white folding chairs become “boring”? And what type of chair is “exciting”? This bride-to-be explains how she would go to any length and spare no...
“A few months ago I started having almost my entire body waxed: eyebrows, upper...”
–
BARF!
So I am supposed to spend the months leading up to my wedding systematically waxing my entire body??? And how much does all of this cost? In my online quest to learn how weddings work, I never stop stumbling upon “must-do” wedding rituals that will cost loads of money and...
“Not that I have anything against Etta James’ “At Last” or...”
– BARF!
This type of comment bugs me the most I think. Wedding bloggers ever-so-politely condemning “typical” weddings. God forbid you dance to a classic song! I’m sure your friends and relatives will hear the first few notes of “At Last” and suddenly throw down their...
“I was so determined to have a tent filled with white paper lanterns at my...”
– BARF!
So at what point during wedding planning, I wonder, do things like DIY paper lanterns become the focus of such determination? Is there something I can do to avoid it, or will a trigger get set off at the four month mark when I will start foaming at the mouth and commanding everyone I know to...
“Men need Spanx too! I have often thought that men were missing out on the...”
–
BARF!
Ohhhhh boy, this one is a doozy. I’m all for grooms looking great on their big day. I hope my fiance enjoys a nice shave, gets a cute haircut and wears something especially handsome. But… man Spanx? Why would a guy want to spend his big day wearing super-pantyhose on his...
“How old do you have to be before a veil looks weird?”
– BARF!
Martha Stewart Weddings recently posed this question on their twitter, setting women back 50 years in under 140 characters. This one bugs me because it implies that there is an age limit to wedding fun. Like if you aren’t 21 and just out of college, you should wear all black and walk...