Ghost

First impressions are the most important, and typically those details are the last things your guests see as they leave. The escort card table and arrangement set the immediate tone of the celebration and starts to tell your story.

For instance… we created a life-size tree (12’ tall by 15’ wide) from which the escort cards were hung (alphabetically, of course). An attendant assisted guests in finding their seating assignment and snipped each ribbon with a pair of golden, bird-shaped scissors. Instantly, the guests had another thing to talk about.

BARF!

Ahhh, nothing like a useful tip from a down-to-earth wedding expert like David Beahm. Especially about something as important as an escort card table, which apparently, the success of the whole wedding rests on.

For those who may not be familiar, escort cards are little pieces of paper that have each guest’s name and the table number he or she is sitting at written on them.  Wedding blogs are always ooohing and ahhhing over cool new ways to display these little cards.  Now, I have been to a few weddings and I’m sure you guys have also.  Is the table with the cards on it really that big of a deal?  Is your good time and memory of that couple’s big day really that influenced on the originality of some card table thing?  Can a table really “set a mood” or “tell a story”?  I’m pretty sure people do those things a lot better than inanimate objects.

But thanks again Mr. Beahm, for the totally useful wedding tip.  Now I’m off to go find some golden bird shaped scissors…

Everything you do during this wedding-planning season gets immortalized. And magnified. The couple would not only be mad now if you went ahead and booked a nonrefundable site or cake, but they’d remember it forever and they’d never trust you again.

BARF!

This is one blog’s advice to Mothers of the Bride.  Kinda harsh, don’t ya think?  “Never trust you again”?   Fast forward to the birth of her first grandson: “Can I hold him dear?” “No.  You chose a shitty cake for my wedding.  Beat it Mom“  The message to parents in wedding blogs seems to be “Pay for everything, say nothing”  Weddings in 2010 seem to be all about brides being able to execute their unique vision, forgo tradition, do it their way.  Why?  Why do they get to do that?  Why isn’t it about honoring your parents, those people who gave birth to you, raised you, taught you to love your fellow man?  Why isn’t there more focus on the joining of the two families?  Maybe the wedding food shouldn’t be about you showing off your vegetarian-locavore ways but instead, serving your Dad a big piece of Prime Rib because your Dad likes eating big pieces of Prime Rib. So they butt into everything and make suggestions you don’t agree with?  So what!  They’re your parents! In my experience, those things your family members do that drive you insane at the time, often turn into funny stories down the line.

Disclaimer:  I may have a slightly warped view on the whole “Parents being involved in the wedding” issue due to the fact that both of mine passed away long before I was engaged.  Or maybe I have an enlightened point of view due to that fact?  Time with your family is precious, don’t take it for granted.  Let your Mom pick out the stupid cake.

If you and your groom are not on the dance floor, don’t be surprised if your guests don’t get on the dance floor either. They are taking your lead, so if you’re not big dancers, you may want to forgo the big band and just stick to a formal dinner with background music

BARF!

So, if me and my fiance don’t dance the whole time, our guests won’t either. Really?  Now in addition to worrying about picking the right chairs, playing the right music and going to the bathroom, I’m going to be responsible for a room full of people who will be mirroring my movements?  Like I’m the dance captain in a Filipino prison yard?  I don’t think that’s how weddings work!  I’m pretty sure wedding guests don’t lose the ability to control their own bodies once they enter a reception hall.  Those who wish to dance, will dance and those who prefer not to, won’t, no matter what me and my lovely fiance choose to do with our newly married dancing feet.  This quote in Aisle Dash is just another example of a “wedding expert” making up random tips to prove her “expertness”. 

TLC presents “Left at the Altar”

BARF!

I love that this promo doesn’t make any promises to show how these women triumphed over adversity after being abandoned.  No, we will just watch them all tell the story of the worst day of their lives, and then see it reenacted by nonunion actors under fuzzy lighting.  Wedding T.V. is really taking it to the next level these days, and “Left at the Altar” seems to be TLC’s wedding version of “America’s Most Wanted.”  What’s next?   “CSI: Reception Halls”?  “The Groom Whisperer”?  “Deadliest Catch: Bridesmaids on the Bering Sea,” where the bridal party that catches the most king crab doesn’t have to pay for their dresses?  Not gonna lie, I would totally be on board for that one…

BARF! Why are these bridesmaids so sad?  Was the photographer showing them a picture of a pelican covered in oil?  Was this photo taken next to a sewage treatment center?  Do each of their perfectly mismatched vintage clutches hold perfectly mismatched vintage guns that they are about to shoot themselves with?  I mean they look effing miserable. And it appears to have been a choice. An… artistic choice?  This photo showed up today on Martha Stewart Weddings’ blog, which means it will be seen my millions of people.  I can’t imagine all these girls are thrilled about that.  Actually, I can’t imagine all these girls thrilled about anything.  Brides, if you are going to enlist your female friends and relatives to be your bridesmaids, don’t force them to take moody, unattractive photos and then peddle them around the wedding blogosphere.  Unless that’s your thing I guess. Then maybe you should really shoot for the stars and take a shot of your bridesmaids all chained together by the ankles hammering in railroad spikes. Perfectly mismatched, vintage railroad spikes.

BARF!

Why are these bridesmaids so sad?  Was the photographer showing them a picture of a pelican covered in oil?  Was this photo taken next to a sewage treatment center?  Do each of their perfectly mismatched vintage clutches hold perfectly mismatched vintage guns that they are about to shoot themselves with?  I mean they look effing miserable. And it appears to have been a choice. An… artistic choice?  This photo showed up today on Martha Stewart Weddings’ blog, which means it will be seen my millions of people.  I can’t imagine all these girls are thrilled about that.  Actually, I can’t imagine all these girls thrilled about anything.  Brides, if you are going to enlist your female friends and relatives to be your bridesmaids, don’t force them to take moody, unattractive photos and then peddle them around the wedding blogosphere.  Unless that’s your thing I guess. Then maybe you should really shoot for the stars and take a shot of your bridesmaids all chained together by the ankles hammering in railroad spikes. Perfectly mismatched, vintage railroad spikes.

Bridal Diapers: A New Trend?

BARF!

This is real people, this is not a joke.  There is such a thing as a “bridal diaper” that women can wear under their wedding dress.  Dresses have become so elaborate, so huge and clumsy, that it is impossible for a bride to go to the bathroom by herself, thus, the bridal diaper.  Aisle Dash even got a quote from Kleinfeld’s on the subject: “If you must wear a diaper, please wear it to your fittings so you can ensure the gown fits properly!”

I suppose it was only a matter of time before the diapers came.  After all, it is socially accepted now that on her wedding day a woman will act like a baby.  Today brides are known for crying until they get what they want, pouting when things don’t go their way and throwing tantrums.  Why stop at a diaper?  Let’s start allowing for nap time in between the ceremony and the reception.  And if a bride is screaming that she’s unhappy with how the centerpieces turned out, shove a pacifier in her mouth! In lieu of a first dance, how about a rousing game of peek-a-boo?

I can just see my fiance’s face now, on our first night together as a married couple, putting me up on a table and taking off my poopy diaper…

Wedding blog extraordinaire “Style Me Pretty” described the event pictured above as a “Rustic Barn Wedding” BARF! Guess what?  When you hang a chandelier in a barn, IT’S NO LONGER RUSTIC! And when you take out the livestock and the hay, and put in “long dining tables adorned with Tuscan linens and dramatic candelabras”  it’s not really a barn anymore!  By the way, most wedding “barns” I’ve looked up online cost an average of $5,000 a day to rent.  That’s not including food, drink or chandeliers.  This wedding looks beautiful, that’s for sure, but don’t call it “rustic” and don’t call it a “barn”.  Real barns don’t have event coordinators that cost more per hour than I make in a month. 

Wedding blog extraordinaire “Style Me Pretty” described the event pictured above as a “Rustic Barn Wedding”

BARF!

Guess what?  When you hang a chandelier in a barn, IT’S NO LONGER RUSTIC! And when you take out the livestock and the hay, and put in “long dining tables adorned with Tuscan linens and dramatic candelabras”  it’s not really a barn anymore!  By the way, most wedding “barns” I’ve looked up online cost an average of $5,000 a day to rent.  That’s not including food, drink or chandeliers.  This wedding looks beautiful, that’s for sure, but don’t call it “rustic” and don’t call it a “barn”.  Real barns don’t have event coordinators that cost more per hour than I make in a month. 

Gotta love number 10 on this list “10 Tips for Registering with Jorge Perez”.  The line between “shameless self-promotion” and “helpful advice” is quite blurry on wedding blogs.  In this case, it’s non-existent.  I like to imagine what Jorge’s ten tips for dating are: “Number 1: Date Jorge”  Perhaps he has a top ten favorite albums list too: “Number 8: Jorge sings the greatest hits of Celine Dion”  Or maybe ten tips for money management: “Number 5: Deposit all of your money into Jorge’s account”  It’s amazing how much information is out there about the “right things to do” when you are wedding planning.  It’s overwhelming! But when you read the fine print, you realize the people telling you what to do have a very clear motive, to get as much of your money into their pocket as possible.  Ignore all the “lists” and “rules” and “must haves” that were most likely written by someone trying to sell you something.   Make your own list and make number one “Don’t be pressured into spending money on things you don’t really need”.

Gotta love number 10 on this list “10 Tips for Registering with Jorge Perez”.  The line between “shameless self-promotion” and “helpful advice” is quite blurry on wedding blogs.  In this case, it’s non-existent.  I like to imagine what Jorge’s ten tips for dating are: “Number 1: Date Jorge”  Perhaps he has a top ten favorite albums list too: “Number 8: Jorge sings the greatest hits of Celine Dion”  Or maybe ten tips for money management: “Number 5: Deposit all of your money into Jorge’s account”  It’s amazing how much information is out there about the “right things to do” when you are wedding planning.  It’s overwhelming! But when you read the fine print, you realize the people telling you what to do have a very clear motive, to get as much of your money into their pocket as possible.  Ignore all the “lists” and “rules” and “must haves” that were most likely written by someone trying to sell you something.   Make your own list and make number one “Don’t be pressured into spending money on things you don’t really need”.

Hyperbole in Wedding Blogs

The interesting thing about wedding bloggers is they always seem to be discovering photographs of the MOST AMAZING weddings they HAVE EVER SEEN.  So each day they have to find new flowery descriptions that will be even more flowery than the descriptions they used the day before when they described the wedding that made them want to SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE FACE RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT.  It was too hard to pick just one example of the insanely verbose language used every day on so many wedding blogs, so here are a few of my faves from SMP and The Knotty Bride.

“This has got to be the coolest freaking wedding I’ve seen in ages.  There are skulls involved.  Skulls.”

“I just about died and went to heaven when I saw this next wedding. It’s like my every anemone and ranuncula dream come true.”

“People, LOOK what you can do with doilies!  I mean, flimsy freaking doilies!  It’s seriously a thrill and a half sometimes”

“I’m gonna say it – if I had to choose only ten weddings to take with me to a deserted island, I dare say with real conviction that this chic, stunning affair would be among them.”

“And check out this save the date, made out of a FEATHER!!!  I mean, what?!  A feather?!”

BARF!

So that health care coverage? While it counts as a non-taxable benefit for a married couple, it counts as taxable income for domestic partners. Yes you read correctly. I will be taxed on the total employer cost of insurance for my domestic partner. And those children we have? Um. I will have to adopt them to ensure that I am recognized as a parent outside of California and in the hopes that if something happens to me my children will receive my social security benefits. Which brings us to the fact that my Domestic Partner will not receive my social security benefits should anything happen to me. Ever.

BARF ON CALIFORNIA!

This quote comes from a post on one of my favorite local California wedding blogs “Ms. Awesome Weds”  The author of this blog and I have similar taste in wedding fashion, food and photography.  I closely followed her search for a reception site because she seems to have a similar party vision to me and to be on a budget similar to mine.  We’re around the same age and our weddings are probably going to be similar in a lot of ways.  Unfortunately, since she is marrying a woman, their marriage won’t be recognized by the state of California.  And honestly, until I read her post today, I didn’t really know what that meant.  If you are unclear about the whole “domestic partner” thing and what that means, I suggest you read her adorable, touching post.  Bottom line, this is America, equal rights are kinda supposed to be our thing.  Let’s get it together California.

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