Ghost

It’s hard to explain but you’ll just know when the dress is right. It’s instinctual. You won’t want to take it off. You won’t want to try on other dresses.

BARF!

Drinking water when you are thirsty is instinctual.  Running from a burning building because it is on fire is instinctual. Picking out  a wedding dress is a SUBJECTIVE DECISION!  I’m sick of being told over and over again that it is a primal experience, like there is some essential, fashion savvy part of my womanhood I haven’t latched onto yet.  I went to try on wedding dresses once, before I moved from NYC to LA, so that me and my two favorite ladies could share the experience together before I moved.  It was supposed to be a fun day of trying on clothes followed up by mimosas at the bar.  When we got to the store, we picked out some dresses that looked cute (none had price tags) and I went to go change.    When I tried on the first dress I burst into tears because, duh, it suddenly became real to me that I was getting married.  The store employees leapt onto action “You’re crying because this is the one!  This dress is meant for you!”  When my friends’ eyes started tearing up the employees went into hyperspeed “Look at your friends crying!  This is YOUR wedding dress!  Did you know the tulle was made in France?  It was made for you!  IN FRANCE”  I was a sweating, crying blotchy mess and then they released the Kraken of the bridal boutique “Let’s just see how it looks with the veil…”  They put a veil on me and it was over.  Visions of my fiance’s face seeing me walk down the aisle, of our future children, of my deceased parents screaming down from heaven that I must have this dress!  And then I took it off and the employee handed me a piece of paper with the price written down in black ink and walked away to “give me a moment”  A price that was larger than any amount I had in my bank account…. ever.  And suddenly I heard that mantra I had read so many times in wedding blogs “You will know when it’s the right dress.  It’s instinctual.”  And I spent the next 24 hours trying to figure out a way I could beg, borrow or steal the money I needed to buy it,  Luckily, the bridal boutique roofies wore off after a day and I realized there was no way I would ever spend that much on a dress that I would wear for 5 hours. 

If you’ve got a ton of disposable income, go for it, buy the expensive designer dress of your dreams!  But if you don’t, please don’t let this myth of the perfect dress and the magical moment in the dressing room when you try it on fool you into stressing out or spending more than you can afford.  You’re excited and emotional because you’re in love, not because of the French tulle.  (Quote found here)

It’s official, now you can follow Wedding Barf at www.weddingbarf.com!  Add it to your RSS or Google Reader if you would like.  And send the link to your friends who aren’t on tumblr!  Of course, please keep reading it on your tumblr dashboard if you have been enjoying it.

It’s official, now you can follow Wedding Barf at www.weddingbarf.com!  Add it to your RSS or Google Reader if you would like.  And send the link to your friends who aren’t on tumblr!  Of course, please keep reading it on your tumblr dashboard if you have been enjoying it.

BARF! Come on, how can this be serious?  There are many in the online wedding world who use the abbreviation STD for Save the Dates, the little pre-invitations you send out ahead of time so people know to save the date for you wedding.  And then there are those of us who, well, laugh at them.  Really Miss Scissors, “I’m a bad bride with too many STDs”????  How can someone use that phrase to talk about card stock and not realize how hilarious it sounds?  Well apparently no one on Wedding Bee found it funny.  The post was followed up with comments about how beautiful and creative her STDs were and how they had just gotten their STDs and my personal favorite comment from user Puddingpie: “I’m sure your guests will enjoy receiving your STDs and love them just as much as we do” Man what kind of kinky stuff is going on over at the Wedding Bee forums?  I gotta get in on that action, using protection of course.

BARF!

Come on, how can this be serious?  There are many in the online wedding world who use the abbreviation STD for Save the Dates, the little pre-invitations you send out ahead of time so people know to save the date for you wedding.  And then there are those of us who, well, laugh at them.  Really Miss Scissors, “I’m a bad bride with too many STDs”????  How can someone use that phrase to talk about card stock and not realize how hilarious it sounds?  Well apparently no one on Wedding Bee found it funny.  The post was followed up with comments about how beautiful and creative her STDs were and how they had just gotten their STDs and my personal favorite comment from user Puddingpie: “I’m sure your guests will enjoy receiving your STDs and love them just as much as we do” Man what kind of kinky stuff is going on over at the Wedding Bee forums?  I gotta get in on that action, using protection of course.

The pictures will tell the truth. Create a story. A perfect dress is one thing. But coordinating the accessories and details is what wraps your guests in a mythical event with you as the fairy-tale heroine.

BARF!

Too much pressure!  Too much pressure! I wear jeans and converse 7 out of 7 days a week and on my wedding day I’m supposed to transform into a “fairy-tale heroine”?  These fashion guru people who make statements like these on wedding blogs seem to have no concept of the anxiety they are creating in the minds of the slightly more down to earth ladies who might be reading them.  Ladies who might have anxiety about wearing a dress period, let alone about finding the “perfect” one. Ladies whose favorite accessory might be a hooded sweatshirt.  And what is this “mythical event” business?  Should my wedding be characterized by epic father-son conflicts and heroes slaying monsters?  Does someone need to be sacrificed?  Hopefully not the flower girl.  I mean I’m not an idiot, I get it, I’m supposed to look pretty.   But can we leave words like “perfect” and “fairy-tale” out of the how-to lists please?  Those adjectives seem just a tiny bit difficult to live up to. 

If at all possible, create a lounge-like area in your reception space. Why? People can get antsy. Instead of having your guests sit around the same dinner tables all night, a change of environment will promote conversation and keep even your nondancing guests entertained. Look into renting or borrowing couches, chairs, and other pieces of furniture that you can then stage with pillows and votive candles in your wedding colors.

BARF!

Wow what a surprise, wedding giant The Knot suggesting a new “must have” that requires you to spend a bunch of money for no reason.  So I have to rent couches for people to sit on after dinner to “promote conversation”?  Because sitting around a table makes people clam up?  I mean I guess this “lounge-like area” would be great if I was P Diddy designing a new club to serve up the Ciroc in, but unfortunately I haven’t reached mogul status just yet.  Anyway, if you ask me couches and pillows promote naps, not conversation.  

Your wedding gown is probably the most significant dress you’ll ever wear in your life. What it embodies is not only your optimism for the future… but your life and commitment to your partner. That’s why wedding gowns are so unique.

So says the woman sitting in the velvet throne which your wedding dress purchase paid for…

BARF!

Vera is really putting a lot of pressure on an article of clothing you’ll wear for 5 hours if you ask me.  My dress has to embody “my optimism for the future”?  Yoinks!  What if I go with a less expensive fabric or simpler design, does that mean I’m sending a message of hopelessness as I walk down the aisle?  And how will I show my “commitment to my partner” with my dress choice?  Does a ball gown scream loyalty while cocktail length shouts cheater?  And so with the a few words typed as a guest blogger at Brides, good old Vera has filled us with insecurity about the already daunting task of picking a wedding dress.  I guess we’ll all have to go out and spend $25,000 on one of her designs. NOT! How do you choose a wedding gown?  Buy a dress that makes you look pretty.  Done.  Suck it Vera.

The mother/son, daddy/daughter dance… this one kills me. Look, if the groom wants to dance with his mother, that’s great. In fact, I think he should. But do I need to leave the bar to witness it? I don’t think so.

BARF!

This quote comes from the lovely blogger, and clearly very considerate wedding guest, “The Groom With a View”.  He’s really tellin’ it like it is, isn’t he?  Hey man, guess what, you are at a wedding, not some magical open bar you happened to stumble upon!  It’s a ceremony as well as a celebration!  To most of the people there, people who supposedly care about the couple joining for life, seeing them share a symbolic moment with their parents is touching.  It might make them think of their own parents and consider how grateful they are for everything they have done for them over the years.  You know, the whole feeding, clothing and sheltering thing?  Moments like this are few and far between in life, moments of pure celebration and love with your family.  My dad passed away when I was fifteen, but I sure would’ve loved to dance with him on my wedding day.  And if my Dad had looked over and seen “A Groom with a View” rolling his eyes at our dance while he drank the scotch that we were paying for, well let’s just say the “View” would have changed drastically.   

I suggest having your eyelashes professionally dyed prior to your honeymoon. A dense blue/black gives a nice depth to the eye without having to wear any mascara. You will look great on the beach, in the water, and in the bedroom. In the mornings, just curl your lashes, apply tinted moisturizer and lip gloss, and you are good to go.

BARF!

I mean whaaat?  Not only am I supposed to wax my whole body, lose 15 lbs and learn how to walk in heels before the wedding but now I have to get my “eyelashes professionally dyed”???  I don’t even really know what that means!  Do you have to dip your eyeballs in paint or something?  And isn’t the honeymoon supposed to be the relaxing coda to all this wedding madness? Characterized by tousled hair and breakfast in bed?  My fiance proposed to me and my eyelashes au naturale.  So why waste money and risk loss of vision before my honeymoon trying to fix what ain’t broke?  Who knows though,  you may hear my future husband talking about our honeymoon someday: “Yeah it was great, we stayed in a great hotel, ate great food, had seven of the most romantic nights of my life… but her eyelashes just weren’t dark enough.  I dunno it kinda ruined the whole thing for me.”  (Quote found here)

One of the fears I hear most frequently from brides-to-be is that they won’t be able to find the perfect piece of music for walking down the aisle. Every bride needs perfect wedding ceremony processional music! This can be a very real fear.

BARF!

Wow it seems like the author of this blog post almost wants to scare brides into thinking their wedding will be a failure if they don’t find the “perfect” processional song.  Almost as if he might personally benefit in some way from their wedding-song related terror. But how could some one benefit from a blog entry encouraging the hysteria of a bride-to-be who might not have put too much thought into her music choices, you might wonder? By selling his book on the same blog!  For only $29.97 you can kiss your music fears goodbye!  If you buy his book your wedding music will be “perfect”! And thus we have cracked the code of the wedding blogosphere: Tell a bride her wedding has to be perfect, then explain that it’s nearly impossible unless you spend money on [fill in the blank with unnecessary expense].  Not cool song book dude, not cool.

Avoid using cliches. The following are lovely thoughts but not very original: “You are my dream come true.” “This is the happiest day of my life.” “You are my best friend.” “I am the luckiest person in the world.” “You are my Prince Charming.” “Words cannot express how much I love you.

BARF!

This is a quote from BRIDES magazine, advising brides-to-be on how to say I Do.  So it seems now that even writing your vows, perhaps the most personal part of wedding planning, is being scrutinized under the critical eye of the wedding industry.  Calling the man you are about to marry your “best friend”  is simply not indie enough.  Instead of announcing that you are “happy” on your wedding day, try using a more original synonym like “peppy”, “perky” or “exultant”.  I’m going to try and avoid cliche now when instead of describing this BRIDES magazine tip as “stupid” I’ll say it is “a pile of garbage” and “the inane ramblings of a lunatic” 

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