Ghost

We all wanted to show brides that they can have a wonderful wedding with very little expense. All that is needed is some creative ideas, a field, a wonderful florist that will put together your vision with an organic feel.

BARF!

As someone currently in search of an inexpensive venue for a reception, this post on Ruffled bugged the hell out of me.  “All you need is a field”?  Really that’s all?  Oh man it seems so obvious to me now!  I guess after I find one of those fields then a dress, invitations, booze and food for 200 people will just fall from the sky and land underneath my reclaimed wood chuppah.  And I suppose I don’t need any sort of permits to throw a party in this magical field, or a liquor license, or bathrooms.  All that stuff will magically appear too right?  Here in Los Angeles there must be loads of empty fields that will be just perfect.  Gosh, why have I even been worrying about this whole getting married thing?  According to these experts it’s as easy as one, two, field.  Man I’m such a dummy, over here worrying about budgets and venues and caterers.  Can’t wait to tell my fiance about this whole magic field thing, he’s gonna love it. 

I chose to make an impact with the seating…everybody does boring white wood folding chairs for their ceremonies…i was very adamant that we were gonna do something different, i didn’t care about the price…it was non-negotiable

BARF!

Ahhh, the wedding industry’s obsession with chairs, something I’ve written about before.  So when did white folding chairs become “boring”?  And what type of chair is “exciting”?  This bride-to-be explains how she would go to any length and spare no expense to give her wedding seating some pizazz.  She rented… drum roll please… benches!  Yes, you are reading this correctly, benches.  Long seats for several people to sit at!  Seating so exciting that if you leaned back too far you would fall on the ground!  Benches!  I hear Lady Ga Ga sits exclusively on benches.  If she sees a white folding chair she orders her assistant to immediately set it on fire because they are SO BORING.  If you have white folding chairs at your ceremony, you might as well make your guests watch paint dry for the reception, cause you’re gonna be in the running for most boring wedding of the year.  

     

A few months ago I started having almost my entire body waxed: eyebrows, upper lip, legs (from the knee down) and full bikini area… Waxing is pure torture. Overall, I will be so glad when the wedding is over and I can be done with all this…

BARF!

So I am supposed to spend the months leading up to my wedding systematically waxing my entire body???  And how much does all of this cost?  In my online quest to learn how weddings work, I never stop stumbling upon “must-do” wedding rituals that will cost loads of money and cause me physical pain.  Haven’t most of your wedding guests, family members who have known you for your whole life and friends who have known you at least for a few years, already accepted and loved you for the way you look every day?  When I go to someone’s wedding I am expecting to see the bride I know and love, not some hairless barbie doll I’ve never met before.  Blog entries like this, of which there are many across the world wide wedding web, perpetuate the idea that wedding guests arrive with guns blazing, ready to judge your appearance and judge it harshly.  Call me naive, but I just don’t think that’s true at all.

Not that I have anything against Etta James’ “At Last” or Michael Buble’s “Everything,” — they’re both perfect first dance songs — but I’ve heard them both WAY too many times at weddings.

BARF!

This type of comment bugs me the most I think.  Wedding bloggers ever-so-politely condemning “typical” weddings.  God forbid you dance to a classic song!  I’m sure your friends and relatives will hear the first few notes of “At Last” and suddenly throw down their glasses and groan with disgust.  They’ll immediately check out of your snooze-fest of a wedding and start texting their friends “Snore!  Worst wedding evs!”  Your guests aren’t there to let loose and have fun, they are there to judge you.  And they are expecting the coolest, hippest, most unique display of sight and sound they have ever witnessed.  Thank God that isn’t true at all!  Your guests just want to have fun!  If “At Last” is your favorite song, dance to “At Last”!  Obama and Michelle did and they freakin owned that dance floor. (Quoted from here)

I was so determined to have a tent filled with white paper lanterns at my wedding. Little did we know what a project that was going to be… My poor husband, and his poor groomsmen spent the WHOLE day under the sweltering June Caribbean sun hanging a million paper lanterns with fishing wire to our tent!

BARF!

So at what point during wedding planning, I wonder, do things like DIY paper lanterns become the focus of such determination?  Is there something I can do to avoid it, or will a trigger get set off at the four month mark when I will start foaming at the mouth and commanding everyone I know to Craft! Build! Emboss! The tone of all of these recaps on wedding websites is pretty suspect.  It’s always “Everything was beautiful and effortless, all of my family and friends pitched in to help, smiling all the way”  Guess what?  I’m not buying it!  And it irritates me that they expect me to.  Because it makes me feel like planning a wedding with my limited resources (and limited desire for relatives to slave away tying fishing wire for 12 hours straight) is impossible.  Is it impossible?  NO! Because people have been getting married and throwing parties for centuries before these dumb websites existed and they’ll be doing it for centuries to come. (In this case the dumb website was SMP) 

BARF! Once Wed is a website that sells used wedding dresses, which I think is an awesome idea.  I am considering buying a dress this way, it seems kind of “green” and also cheaper than buying a new, designer dress.  But lots of brides selling their dresses scratch out their faces, as seen above, in the picture they are using to sell the dress.  It is so creepy!  It looks like some angrily defaced yearbook picture!  Or like their soul has been stolen by some supernatural villain!  If I bought this dress, I would just keep picturing some faceless demon with adorable blonde hair having worn it before me.  I don’t see why these ladies don’t just crop out their heads.  That would be decidedly less creepy in my opinion.

BARF!

Once Wed is a website that sells used wedding dresses, which I think is an awesome idea.  I am considering buying a dress this way, it seems kind of “green” and also cheaper than buying a new, designer dress.  But lots of brides selling their dresses scratch out their faces, as seen above, in the picture they are using to sell the dress.  It is so creepy!  It looks like some angrily defaced yearbook picture!  Or like their soul has been stolen by some supernatural villain!  If I bought this dress, I would just keep picturing some faceless demon with adorable blonde hair having worn it before me.  I don’t see why these ladies don’t just crop out their heads.  That would be decidedly less creepy in my opinion.

What’s this?  Why it’s a plastic boob I received as a free gift at this weekend’s bridal expo. BARF! Yes, you are reading this correctly. This is a photo of a plastic boob that was given to the brides-to-be at the Pasadena Bridal Expo by the kind people at Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery.  Because on the most important day of your life, you want all eyes on those big ol’ fake boobies.  Right?  WRONG!  Are these people insane?  The saddest part to me is that women were actually expressing interest in this, chatting up the man in the booth, taking flyers before they headed to the cake samples that were, ironically, right at the next table.  It seems plastic surgery is just the natural next step for people who have already decided to spend thousands of dollars on a dress, hundreds on hair and makeup, people who feel this ridiculous pressure to look perfect for their perfect day.  Remember when you got engaged?  Remember when that special someone told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you?  I doubt there were footnotes like, “except with perfect skin, more expensive clothes and bigger boobs”.  Your wedding day is about celebrating two people’s love, not your “perfect” appearance.   I can’t seem to throw the plastic boob away though.  It’s just sitting on my coffee table, staring at me… 

What’s this?  Why it’s a plastic boob I received as a free gift at this weekend’s bridal expo.

BARF!

Yes, you are reading this correctly. This is a photo of a plastic boob that was given to the brides-to-be at the Pasadena Bridal Expo by the kind people at Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery.  Because on the most important day of your life, you want all eyes on those big ol’ fake boobies.  Right?  WRONG!  Are these people insane?  The saddest part to me is that women were actually expressing interest in this, chatting up the man in the booth, taking flyers before they headed to the cake samples that were, ironically, right at the next table.  It seems plastic surgery is just the natural next step for people who have already decided to spend thousands of dollars on a dress, hundreds on hair and makeup, people who feel this ridiculous pressure to look perfect for their perfect day.  Remember when you got engaged?  Remember when that special someone told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you?  I doubt there were footnotes like, “except with perfect skin, more expensive clothes and bigger boobs”.  Your wedding day is about celebrating two people’s love, not your “perfect” appearance.  

I can’t seem to throw the plastic boob away though.  It’s just sitting on my coffee table, staring at me… 

BARF!

Do designers think brides want to buy a dress that looks like it’s slowly killing the model wearing it?  Sure that makes sense.  So they find a fragile, sad looking waif, throw her in a dress with a 75 pound bustle and photograph her struggle to remain standing.  They look like deers wearing polar bears.  Do any of these photos scream fun or romance to you?  Me neither.  PS these dresses all cost like $30,000 TRIPLE BARF!   

Men need Spanx too! I have often thought that men were missing out on the incredibleness that is Spanx. I’m guessing Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx, was thinking something similar because the company just launched a men’s line that promises to suck in, contain, and compress. Spanx re–designed the classic–cut undershirt into shapewear that is perfect for controlling and flattening.

BARF!

Ohhhhh boy, this one is a doozy.  I’m all for grooms looking great on their big day.  I hope my fiance enjoys a nice shave, gets a cute haircut and wears something especially handsome. But… man Spanx?  Why would a guy want to spend his big day wearing super-pantyhose on his torso?  I can just picture the sexy scene at the end of the night: the happy couple arrives at their honeymoon suite, the lights are low, the candles are lit, and… hmm, what’s that squeaking sound?  Oh, that’s the groom peeling off his sweaty man Spanx.  Isn’t it romantic? (Quote via Brides.com)

How old do you have to be before a veil looks weird?

BARF!

Martha Stewart Weddings recently posed this question on their twitter, setting women back 50 years in under 140 characters.  This one bugs me because it implies that there is an age limit to wedding fun.  Like if you aren’t 21 and just out of college, you should wear all black and walk down the aisle to Karma Police while everyone weeps at the thought that you’ve wasted your youth on things like following your dreams and going to Phish concerts.  And are these the types of questions wedding industry professionals should really be asking?  What about how old do you have to be before you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with one person?  How old do you have to be before you’re truly selfless enough to think of someone else’s needs first?  I think more emphasis needs to be placed on whether people are old enough to truly commit their lives to someone instead of whether they are too old to wear a yard of tulle on their head.

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