Wedding Barf

Check out the vintage inspired table numbers and different quotes tied to each napkin. This is the PERFECT way to get guests interacting at the dinner tables, by the way. I can just envision guests walking around the room trying to see what each person’s napkin says.

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napkin: (noun) a small piece of cloth or paper, usually square, for use in wiping the lips and fingers and to protect the clothes while eating.

Weird! Nowhere in the definition of napkin does it mention their use as a palette for conversation inducing inspirational quotes. Style Me Pretty claims they can “envision guests walking around the room trying to see what each person’s napkin says.” I can envision my wedding guests using their napkins to wipe cake off their faces and sneeze into. As for getting guests to interact at the dinner tables… ever heard of a little thing called alcohol? Personally, I’m more likely to interact over a bottle of wine than over a Francis Bacon quotation. I’m not trying to poop on the creativity of others, I’m just overwhelmed by what the wedding industry big wigs are putting out there as the ideal that we should all be reaching for. Sure, I want my wedding to be fun but I don’t want to spend the months leading up to it embroidering “Science is but an image of the truth” onto paper towels.

Tell her you’re sorry she feels that way, but that is the color you’ve chosen; if she continues to have a problem with that, give her the opportunity to bow out of your party. I would also make her aware of the message she’s sending to you. A good friend would realize that what she looks like on your wedding day is completely irrelevant, and she should be willing to put your wants and needs first on this day.

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This was Darcy Miller’s (aka the queen bee over at Martha Stewart Weddings) advice to a bride who asked what to do if a bridesmaid didn’t love her dress color. Hey Darcy, someone with as much wedding community clout as you should wield it for good not for evil! “A good friend would realize that what she looks like on your wedding day is completely irrelevant” Oh yeah, that makes sense. I mean why choose your friends to be your bridesmaids anyway? Friends can have all sorts of messy opinions and rogue tan lines. It would probably be best to just hire a troupe of models who were all slightly less attractive than you. No wait, scrap the models. Get a bunch of wire hangers. Have someone wheel a garment rack full of your perfect bridesmaid dresses hung on wire hangers down the aisle. I bet those hangers would throw you a pretty kinky bachelorette party too. Hey Darcy Miller, put the glue gun down and step away from the inspiration board, cause you’ve lost yo damn mind.

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A wedding-cake dress. I mean just… barf. (via The Knot Blog)

Thus ends the inaugural week of Wedding Barf! Thanks for checking it out and have a great weekend everybody!

The idea to use the pears at each placesetting was one of my original ideas after we booked the venue. However, it was the very last thing that was done the night before the wedding after we realized at about 5pm that we didn’t have any pears. It took the help of family and friends to find about 200 pears and rinse them off before the next day.

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Hey, I don’t mean to hate on this lady or her affinity for pears but if you catch me sending my family on a frantic hunt for bulk produce the night before my wedding and then instructing them to scrub said produce clean, please shoot me in the face. When people hear you are getting married and say “Hey, let me know how I can help out”, I’m pretty sure this is not the sort of thing they have in mind. Helping you pick out a dress? Sure. Picking somebody up at the airport? Sounds fine to me. Buying and washing mass quantities of fruit until 3 in the morning? Not so much! (Quote via SMP)

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Really facebook? So you think the engaged women on your site are spending all their time dieting, scoping out guest books and buying new chins? And the engaged guys are chowing down on sushi, watching TNT and going to Duncan Sheik concerts??? I’m not gonna lie, I enjoyed changing my facebook status from “in a relationship” to “engaged”. Me and my fiance were pretty much the stars of facebook for the next 24 hours, and who doesn’t like being a star? One thing I do NOT enjoy is the gender inequality of our subsequent facebook ads. Ridic! Boo facebook! Boo on you for reinforcing the idea that once a girl gets engaged, planning a wedding should take over her life while dudes just keep rockin it out to “Barely Breathing”.

Call me a snob, say what you will, but the chicken dance turns weddings into circuses. And I do not like clowns.

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Call me a clown! I would rather have my wedding be circus-like than be a freaking string quartet snooze fest. Before reading this on MSW, I hadn’t considered the pros and cons of the chicken dance. But you know what I had considered the pros of? Everybody having an awesome time! You know what I had pictured? My Aunt the nun from Texas and my fiance’s Best Man the comedian from NYC, getting down together, organized dance style. At my wedding, there will be balloons, there will be hot dogs, and who knows, there may even be a chicken dance.

If you’re deciding between chivari or white foldable chairs, why not skip the cost and start collecting vintage chairs? One can even acquire old chairs for free if your wedding is still a few months away, you just have to be on the look out for chairs on the curb during furniture pick up day.

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Are they serious? So one is supposed to spend the months before one’s wedding going through other people’s garbage and filling up one’s apartment with 200 chairs one found on the side of the road? To “skip the cost”? I love how all these fancy wedding blogs associate saving money with undergoing some massive DIY project that would drive anyone, save my goddess Martha Stewart, out of their damn mind. But then again, chairs are super important. I can’t remember the last time someone told me about a wedding they went to and didn’t mention the chairs. Chairs are surely second only to toilet paper brand when it comes to important wedding planning decisions. (Quote via Ruffled)

Abby opted for several looks! She found a super-cute bolero on Etsy to wear for their first look before the ceremony, donned a birdcage veil for the ceremony, removed it to reveal the gorgeous silk flower in her hair, and then changed it up a bit during the reception! Gone are the days of hair up vs. hair down!

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God forbid you have one hairstyle for your big day! These days the wedding movers and shakers are insisting you wear one veil for the ceremony, a vintage cap for dinner, a locally sourced circus barker hat for the cake cutting, then pin a live snake on your head for your first dance, and on and on and on. What do all of these hairpiece frivolities really come down to? Money! And money = stress. So throw your hair up in a ponytail and chill the eff out. (Quote via SMP, pic via here)

My favorite cake in the world is a coconut cake from a Baltimore restaurant called Clementines. The owners not only baked eight coconut cakes and lots of lemon squares for my wedding they hand delivered them to Montauk! Amazing! I couldn’t believe their generosity of spirit.

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Really? “Generosity of spirit”? So we’re supposed to believe that on our wedding day, our favorite desserts from across the land will magically appear at the reception, free of charge? Last time I checked, food costs money and when you put the word “wedding” in front of the word “food” it costs a LOT of money. But thanks for perpetuating the myth that picture perfect wedding celebrations magically appear from thin air SMP.

1 year ago