Wedding Barf

purns: notemily: (via It’s called “poverty.” You’ve probably...

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 15:34:23 -0700

notemily:

(via It’s called “poverty.” You’ve probably never heard of it. | Regretsy)

Oh cheez-its Christ.

What a nice way to kick Wedding Barf back into gear.

Thanks Purns for bringing this to my attention. If there was ever a Wedding Barf worthy reblog, it was this. Holy goodness.

I’m married!!! Barf! So one month and four days ago I got...

Fri, 22 Jul 2011 09:18:46 -0700

I’m married!!! Barf!

So one month and four days ago I got married, and as you can see from my face in this photo taken immediately after the ceremony, it was AWESOME! While all the blogs and books and magazines I read prepared me for every nightmare wedding disaster scenario possible, nothing prepared me for how absolutely joyful the whole day would be.

A few people have asked me if I will continue to write Wedding Barf now that I’m married. The answer is HELL YES! I am more inspired than ever to call bullshit on the so-called advice that wedding experts spew to get you to spend more money because now I know, first hand, none of that stuff matters! It wasn’t about the dress, the flowers or the chairs. It was about me and my husband (squeal!) and our families and friends coming together and having a freakin blast.

So yes, Wedding Barf will go on! More to come soon…

"Your uncle is sure to say something offensive during your wedding and reception. How do you handle..."

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 16:00:00 -0700

“Your uncle is sure to say something offensive during your wedding and reception. How do you handle this sticky situation? Don’t sweat it! This is one situation where you need to release control and just enjoy the day. As a bride, you’ll have a thousand things you’ll be thinking about other than Uncle Joe’s dinner conversation. But, to be on the safe side and keep him in line, assign a relative to shadow him throughout the night.”

- BARF!

Whaaaaat? First of all, why do uncles always get such a bad rap? As an aunt, I feel just as likely to make a scene as any male counterpart. More to the pont, I’m supposed to “assign a relative to shadow” anybody at my wedding that might say something off-color during dinner? Oh boy. I don’t have enough cousins to handle those kind of numbers. And what exactly is this “shadowy relative” supposed to do when the conversation turns offensive? Start coughing super loud or shout “Look at this weird bread”?

These “helpful tips” (this one was seen on Aisle Dash) that supposedly make wedding planning easier, are actually great at inciting panic over millions of “what if” scenarios. Besides, so what if I have an Uncle who says something offensive at dinner? His table mates will roll their eyes and change the conversation topic like people have been doing for centuries.

there. are. no. words. for. this. commercial.

Sun, 27 Mar 2011 21:59:07 -0700

there. are. no. words. for. this. commercial.

BARF! Lucky indeed! Silly me, I thought I was lucky enough to be...

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 12:45:00 -0800

BARF!

Lucky indeed! Silly me, I thought I was lucky enough to be marrying the love of my life but the real serendipity happened when I found out about the bridal themed Juice Cleanse that’s available to me now that he put a ring on it.

The message on the front page of the BPC Bridal Cleanse website is clear: “Photos are Forever”. It might as well say, “The way you look now is NOT OKAY”. The solution they present is to purchase their juices which cost around $65 per day. Yup. SIXTY FIVE DOLLARS a day so you can drink juice instead of eating food. And as you can see on the board game like map they designed, these juice sessions are designed to take you from engagement all the way to the honeymoon. Because when you’re planning a wedding and preparing to spend more money on a one day event than you could have ever imagined, something that really helps the situation out is replacing food with juice and losing $450 dollars a week.

And there’s more… BPC recommends that you involve your Mom, friends and even your groom by “getting them all on the juice”. If my friends, family and me all juice cleanse in the months leading up to my wedding there’s a good chance the reception hall will turn into a crime scene. Ladies be needin our food! In solid form! Or we gonna get crazy!

Hey, I’m sure the stuff is great, but let’s not make people feel inadequate with this “Photos are forever so you better buy a bunch of juice” nonsense.

“If you can, keep your body slightly turned —...

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 09:00:07 -0800

“If you can, keep your body slightly turned — you’ll look slimmer than if you’re facing straight at the camera. The most ideal look is to tilt your shoulders toward the photographer with your hips on an angle, which makes your waist and hips look instantly narrower. Especially key for brides? Hold your arms slightly away from your body rather than pressing them against your sides. While it seems like a lot to keep track of, don’t forget that you can practice!”

BARF!

Oh really? I can “practice” posing unnaturally for hours at a time? That might be the funnest part of wedding planning yet! I can just see myself walking through the aisles of the grocery store, body angled to one side, arms raised slightly, looking like a deformed swan while I reach for the Kashi Go Lean.

This article from The Knot illustrates one of my biggest issues with the whole wedding industry, the idea that on our wedding day, brides can’t look anything like we do normally. We have to be 10 pounds lighter, we have to wear 10 times more makeup, have 10 times more poise and be wearing 10 times more supportive undergarments than we would normally wear in our everyday lives in order to look like a bride. Guess what? I’m going to be wearing a long white dress and holding a bouquet. I THINK PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT OUT!

BARF! What is it about weddings that produces the need for so...

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 15:55:24 -0800

BARF!

What is it about weddings that produces the need for so many signs? As a wedding guest these days, there is a good chance you will run into signs for the ceremony, the bathroom, the guestbook, the photobooth, the buffet, the cake and of course, the exit. Wedding website giant “The Knot” says: “Perfect for outdoor weddings, a rustic, handwritten wedding sign is a super-simple DIY project for even the least crafty bride.” More like D.I. Why do I have to make so many freaking signs? Right now I am in the thick of wedding planning and there are a ton of things on my to do list. I can’t imagine adding “craft 45 rustic handwritten signs” to the list.

But who knows? Maybe all these signs are necessary. There could be some hormone released during all the nuptial euphoria that prevents wedding guests from comprehending what objects are without seeing it spelled out on a large sign. If I don’t make a “Guestbook” sign, a confused relative could stand at the table for hours confused, bewildered, wondering “What is the book? This pen? Do I…write in the book? Can someone help? Give me a SIGN!”

"Please contact us for a price quote."

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 13:42:00 -0700

“Please contact us for a price quote.”

- -Every Wedding Vendor Ever

BARF!

WHY??? Wedding people, why can’t you just put your prices on your website? How is a girl supposed to know if you are even in her ball park or not? Especially these days when the wedding design trends are “rustic” and “DIY inspired”. If the homepage for your catering company is a picture of a chalkboard with a list of drinks on it, that could mean either you are a small, reasonably priced mom and pop situation, OR an uber trendy, everything’s organic, you’re kidding yourself if you think you can afford this, $100 per person impossibility.

When I find a website for a local vendor, I have to go through the embarrassment of calling these places and them saying “Well what’s your budget?” and then upon me telling them a number, hearing the snickering on the other end of the line, the “Well we aren’t some sort of wedding factory,” the “Good luck with that in this town!” Hey wedding lady, you could have saved us both the trouble of that stupid convo if you would just put your stupid prices on your website!

So I guess their defense would be “Oh well that’s tacky” or “Every wedding is different” Well at least give me some sort of clue! A tiny hint at least that your prices are totally bonkers! Like, “Prices available upon request, but don’t bother calling if your family doesn’t own a yacht”, “We will create a custom package for you and by “custom” we mean around $20,000”, or “We will email you with pricing info- Wait, is your name Tricia McAlpin? Oh, this ain’t happenin.”

In these times of prevalent online deals for flights, for books, for shoes, for nearly everything under the sun, why do wedding vendors get to be so cryptic and mysterious about prices on their websites? How come it seems like they are competing to be the most expensive instead of the cheapest? Why can’t there be a Priceline negotiator for passed orderves?

"I’m so excited to introduce our Wedding Jewelry center. It has engagement rings for those who..."

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 11:38:00 -0700

“I’m so excited to introduce our Wedding Jewelry center. It has engagement rings for those who haven’t gotten engaged, but are dreaming of their special day (it’s the perfect link to “accidentally send to your boyfriend” to give him that little nudge)”

- BARF!

No! No! No! No! Nooooo! Say it ain’t so Martha! Encouraging women to trick their boyfriends into proposing? Those who know me know I LOVE me some Martha Stewart but after this post on her wedding blog today I may have to cancel my beloved subscription to Everyday Food.

Modern day women, can we all agree to stop pressuring our boyfriends to drop thousands of dollars on diamond rings if they aren’t financially or emotionally ready to do so? Is this how you got him to kiss you for the first time? Emailing him links to your favorite smooching scenes from The Notebook with the subject line “Hint hint”? Do you dupe him into buying you roses by secretly subscribing him to the 1800 Flowers catalog? Nothing like pulling one over on the man you love and forcing him to show you that he loves you WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT DAMNIT!

Boo on you Martha Stewart Weddings for taking advantage of the non-engaged women lurking on your wedding website. At least steer them over to a fun craft project or a homemade pie crust. But for God’s sake, don’t encourage them to “accidentally” send pictures of engagement rings to their boyfriends! Gross!

RZA's wedding on Style Me Pretty

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 11:10:00 -0700

RZA's wedding on Style Me Pretty:

Usually I make fun of wedding stuff on this blog, but Wu Tang weddings ain’t nuthin to fuck with.

"First impressions are the most important, and typically those details are the last things your..."

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 11:33:00 -0700

“

First impressions are the most important, and typically those details are the last things your guests see as they leave. The escort card table and arrangement set the immediate tone of the celebration and starts to tell your story.

For instance… we created a life-size tree (12’ tall by 15’ wide) from which the escort cards were hung (alphabetically, of course). An attendant assisted guests in finding their seating assignment and snipped each ribbon with a pair of golden, bird-shaped scissors. Instantly, the guests had another thing to talk about.

”

- BARF!

Ahhh, nothing like a useful tip from a down-to-earth wedding expert like David Beahm. Especially about something as important as an escort card table, which apparently, the success of the whole wedding rests on.

For those who may not be familiar, escort cards are little pieces of paper that have each guest’s name and the table number he or she is sitting at written on them. Wedding blogs are always ooohing and ahhhing over cool new ways to display these little cards. Now, I have been to a few weddings and I’m sure you guys have also. Is the table with the cards on it really that big of a deal? Is your good time and memory of that couple’s big day really that influenced on the originality of some card table thing? Can a table really “set a mood” or “tell a story”? I’m pretty sure people do those things a lot better than inanimate objects.

But thanks again Mr. Beahm, for the totally useful wedding tip. Now I’m off to go find some golden bird shaped scissors…

"Everything you do during this wedding-planning season gets immortalized. And magnified. The couple..."

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:40:00 -0700

“Everything you do during this wedding-planning season gets immortalized. And magnified. The couple would not only be mad now if you went ahead and booked a nonrefundable site or cake, but they’d remember it forever and they’d never trust you again.”

- BARF!

This is one blog’s advice to Mothers of the Bride. Kinda harsh, don’t ya think? “Never trust you again”? Fast forward to the birth of her first grandson: “Can I hold him dear?” “No. You chose a shitty cake for my wedding. Beat it Mom“ The message to parents in wedding blogs seems to be “Pay for everything, say nothing” Weddings in 2010 seem to be all about brides being able to execute their unique vision, forgo tradition, do it their way. Why? Why do they get to do that? Why isn’t it about honoring your parents, those people who gave birth to you, raised you, taught you to love your fellow man? Why isn’t there more focus on the joining of the two families? Maybe the wedding food shouldn’t be about you showing off your vegetarian-locavore ways but instead, serving your Dad a big piece of Prime Rib because your Dad likes eating big pieces of Prime Rib. So they butt into everything and make suggestions you don’t agree with? So what! They’re your parents! In my experience, those things your family members do that drive you insane at the time, often turn into funny stories down the line.

Disclaimer: I may have a slightly warped view on the whole “Parents being involved in the wedding” issue due to the fact that both of mine passed away long before I was engaged. Or maybe I have an enlightened point of view due to that fact? Time with your family is precious, don’t take it for granted. Let your Mom pick out the stupid cake.

"If you and your groom are not on the dance floor, don’t be surprised if your guests..."

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:18:08 -0700

“If you and your groom are not on the dance floor, don’t be surprised if your guests don’t get on the dance floor either. They are taking your lead, so if you’re not big dancers, you may want to forgo the big band and just stick to a formal dinner with background music”

- BARF!

So, if me and my fiance don’t dance the whole time, our guests won’t either. Really? Now in addition to worrying about picking the right chairs, playing the right music and going to the bathroom, I’m going to be responsible for a room full of people who will be mirroring my movements? Like I’m the dance captain in a Filipino prison yard? I don’t think that’s how weddings work! I’m pretty sure wedding guests don’t lose the ability to control their own bodies once they enter a reception hall. Those who wish to dance, will dance and those who prefer not to, won’t, no matter what me and my lovely fiance choose to do with our newly married dancing feet. This quote in Aisle Dash is just another example of a “wedding expert” making up random tips to prove her “expertness”.

TLC presents “Left at the Altar” BARF! I love that...

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:14:46 -0700

TLC presents “Left at the Altar”

BARF!

I love that this promo doesn’t make any promises to show how these women triumphed over adversity after being abandoned. No, we will just watch them all tell the story of the worst day of their lives, and then see it reenacted by nonunion actors under fuzzy lighting. Wedding T.V. is really taking it to the next level these days, and “Left at the Altar” seems to be TLC’s wedding version of “America’s Most Wanted.” What’s next? “CSI: Reception Halls”? “The Groom Whisperer”? “Deadliest Catch: Bridesmaids on the Bering Sea,” where the bridal party that catches the most king crab doesn’t have to pay for their dresses? Not gonna lie, I would totally be on board for that one…

BARF! Why are these bridesmaids so sad? Was the photographer...

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 11:14:55 -0700

BARF!

Why are these bridesmaids so sad? Was the photographer showing them a picture of a pelican covered in oil? Was this photo taken next to a sewage treatment center? Do each of their perfectly mismatched vintage clutches hold perfectly mismatched vintage guns that they are about to shoot themselves with? I mean they look effing miserable. And it appears to have been a choice. An… artistic choice? This photo showed up today on Martha Stewart Weddings’ blog, which means it will be seen my millions of people. I can’t imagine all these girls are thrilled about that. Actually, I can’t imagine all these girls thrilled about anything. Brides, if you are going to enlist your female friends and relatives to be your bridesmaids, don’t force them to take moody, unattractive photos and then peddle them around the wedding blogosphere. Unless that’s your thing I guess. Then maybe you should really shoot for the stars and take a shot of your bridesmaids all chained together by the ankles hammering in railroad spikes. Perfectly mismatched, vintage railroad spikes.

"Bridal Diapers: A New Trend?"

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:33:32 -0700

“Bridal Diapers: A New Trend?”

- BARF!

This is real people, this is not a joke. There is such a thing as a “bridal diaper” that women can wear under their wedding dress. Dresses have become so elaborate, so huge and clumsy, that it is impossible for a bride to go to the bathroom by herself, thus, the bridal diaper. Aisle Dash even got a quote from Kleinfeld’s on the subject: “If you must wear a diaper, please wear it to your fittings so you can ensure the gown fits properly!”

I suppose it was only a matter of time before the diapers came. After all, it is socially accepted now that on her wedding day a woman will act like a baby. Today brides are known for crying until they get what they want, pouting when things don’t go their way and throwing tantrums. Why stop at a diaper? Let’s start allowing for nap time in between the ceremony and the reception. And if a bride is screaming that she’s unhappy with how the centerpieces turned out, shove a pacifier in her mouth! In lieu of a first dance, how about a rousing game of peek-a-boo?

I can just see my fiance’s face now, on our first night together as a married couple, putting me up on a table and taking off my poopy diaper…

Wedding blog extraordinaire “Style Me Pretty”...

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 08:55:00 -0700

Wedding blog extraordinaire “Style Me Pretty” described the event pictured above as a “Rustic Barn Wedding”

BARF!

Guess what? When you hang a chandelier in a barn, IT’S NO LONGER RUSTIC! And when you take out the livestock and the hay, and put in “long dining tables adorned with Tuscan linens and dramatic candelabras” it’s not really a barn anymore! By the way, most wedding “barns” I’ve looked up online cost an average of $5,000 a day to rent. That’s not including food, drink or chandeliers. This wedding looks beautiful, that’s for sure, but don’t call it “rustic” and don’t call it a “barn”. Real barns don’t have event coordinators that cost more per hour than I make in a month.

Gotta love number 10 on this list “10 Tips for Registering...

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 11:53:47 -0700

Gotta love number 10 on this list “10 Tips for Registering with Jorge Perez”. The line between “shameless self-promotion” and “helpful advice” is quite blurry on wedding blogs. In this case, it’s non-existent. I like to imagine what Jorge’s ten tips for dating are: “Number 1: Date Jorge” Perhaps he has a top ten favorite albums list too: “Number 8: Jorge sings the greatest hits of Celine Dion” Or maybe ten tips for money management: “Number 5: Deposit all of your money into Jorge’s account” It’s amazing how much information is out there about the “right things to do” when you are wedding planning. It’s overwhelming! But when you read the fine print, you realize the people telling you what to do have a very clear motive, to get as much of your money into their pocket as possible. Ignore all the “lists” and “rules” and “must haves” that were most likely written by someone trying to sell you something. Make your own list and make number one “Don’t be pressured into spending money on things you don’t really need”.

Hyperbole in Wedding Blogs

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 11:54:32 -0700

The interesting thing about wedding bloggers is they always seem to be discovering photographs of the MOST AMAZING weddings they HAVE EVER SEEN. So each day they have to find new flowery descriptions that will be even more flowery than the descriptions they used the day before when they described the wedding that made them want to SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE FACE RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT. It was too hard to pick just one example of the insanely verbose language used every day on so many wedding blogs, so here are a few of my faves from SMP and The Knotty Bride.

“This has got to be the coolest freaking wedding I’ve seen in ages. There are skulls involved. Skulls.”

“I just about died and went to heaven when I saw this next wedding. It’s like my every anemone and ranuncula dream come true.”

“People, LOOK what you can do with doilies! I mean, flimsy freaking doilies! It’s seriously a thrill and a half sometimes”

“I’m gonna say it – if I had to choose only ten weddings to take with me to a deserted island, I dare say with real conviction that this chic, stunning affair would be among them.”

“And check out this save the date, made out of a FEATHER!!! I mean, what?! A feather?!”

BARF!

"So that health care coverage? While it counts as a non-taxable benefit for a married couple, it..."

Tue, 25 May 2010 12:01:00 -0700

“So that health care coverage? While it counts as a non-taxable benefit for a married couple, it counts as taxable income for domestic partners. Yes you read correctly. I will be taxed on the total employer cost of insurance for my domestic partner. And those children we have? Um. I will have to adopt them to ensure that I am recognized as a parent outside of California and in the hopes that if something happens to me my children will receive my social security benefits. Which brings us to the fact that my Domestic Partner will not receive my social security benefits should anything happen to me. Ever.”

- BARF ON CALIFORNIA!

This quote comes from a post on one of my favorite local California wedding blogs “Ms. Awesome Weds” The author of this blog and I have similar taste in wedding fashion, food and photography. I closely followed her search for a reception site because she seems to have a similar party vision to me and to be on a budget similar to mine. We’re around the same age and our weddings are probably going to be similar in a lot of ways. Unfortunately, since she is marrying a woman, their marriage won’t be recognized by the state of California. And honestly, until I read her post today, I didn’t really know what that meant. If you are unclear about the whole “domestic partner” thing and what that means, I suggest you read her adorable, touching post. Bottom line, this is America, equal rights are kinda supposed to be our thing. Let’s get it together California.